For Mudblood_andProud

[wizardspy]

Severus glanced the clock on the wall then back to his drink. He'd arranged to meet Hermione at a pub in Muggle London, somewhere far away from Diagon Alley. He felt almost guilty that he had to sneak around to see her, as if he were somehow ashamed to be seen with her. But it was for her safety and his own that it be this way, they both had roles that still needed to be played. But with Dumbledore gone he truly had no one who cared for him, cared whether he lived or died. To find someone who genuinely did was both amazing and terrifying.

He blew out a breath of air shaking his head. He'd been distracted, thinking about her, of what could be and that wasn't good. If he was going to do this, to be friends with the girl -- woman, then he needed to compartmentalize her, keep her away from the darkness. Now he glanced at the door, almost willing her to walk through it.

Comments

[mudblood_andproud]

Hermione tilted her head. She didn't think Severus would ever understand.

"I have always felt that you were a good man." That was just the tip of the iceberg.

[wizardspy]

"But why? What have I ever done to give you that impression? Most find me to be a cantankerous bastard and they are not wrong."

[mudblood_andproud]

"It was just an impression I had when I first met you." And that she found him attractive gave her pause for thought when he was cantankerous.

"Your intelligence was something to be admired. Your determination pushed me to excel in things I might have not thought about. And, your control was also something to marvel at."

[wizardspy]

Severus arched an eyebrow. "My determination convinced you to excel, or my deliberate harassment of you and your friends whenever I got the chance?"

[mudblood_andproud]

"Both."

Hermione shrugged. "For me... I wanted to prove myself in your eyes."

[wizardspy]

"You have exceeded my expectations, I assure you." He gave Hermione a small smile. "You have very much to be of which to be proud."

[mudblood_andproud]

"Thanks." A small blush covered her cheeks. By now, her Greek salad was pretty much finished, so her attention was returned to him.

[wizardspy]

He tilted his head. "You're blushing. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable," he said, frowning.

[mudblood_andproud]

"Uncomfortable is not the word I would use." She replies softly.

[wizardspy]

He leans forward, studying her face. "What would you use," he asks softly.

[mudblood_andproud]

Her heart skipped a beat when he leaned forward, closer to her. Hermione felt her mouth dry. And for a moment was a loss for words.

Should he know... that was the question that ran through her mind. A list of pros and cons was quickly formulated in her mind, as Hermione weighed out all the consequences.

"Flattered." The one word had a lot of weight to it.

[wizardspy]

He leaned back, thoughtful. Flattered could mean many things, but the way she said it...

"I see," he finally says, blinking quickly as he tried to take it in. Did she care for him that way? Or was she just being kind?

Unsure, he mentally gave himself a shake. Of course not, don't be foolish.

"Would you care to go for a walk?"

[mudblood_andproud]

While a smile stayed on her face, there was a touch of sadness there when he leaned back -- away from her.

"That sounds lovely."

[wizardspy]

Severus could see disappointment in her eyes and he wasn't sure what he'd done wrong. Internally questioning himself, he quickly paid the bill and rose to his feet.

"Shall we?" He held out his arm for her to hold.

[mudblood_andproud]

Hermione knew that she shouldn't be so upset about any of Severus' actions. Or lack of actions. This was one of the struggles with having a hidden desire. Having to be around your affection -- and them not knowing the truth.

With a real smile, she takes the offered arm.

"There is a lovely park near here."

[wizardspy]

"Perhaps you can lead us then," he said, tucking her hand against his side.

It was odd, having another person so close in his personal space. It was something he would have to grow accustomed to, for now it was somewhat awkward.

[mudblood_andproud]

Hermione patted his hand, taking the lead to head towards the park. It was a beautiful day. The weather was not too warm nor too cold. It was nice that no rain clouds were in sight either.

She had a feeling that Severus had little experience with displays of affection.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?"

[wizardspy]

Severus was silent for a time, not sure how to answer. "I make myself uncomfortable," he finally answered. "I'm not accustomed to being touched and it will take some time to get reacquainted with the feeling. So yes, I'm uncomfortable, but it's not your fault."

[mudblood_andproud]

"So it has been a while since you have been touched? Hugged? Kissed?"

[wizardspy]

"More years than I care to count," he admitted. "But don't let that bother you, it will come in time."

[mudblood_andproud]

"And it doesn't cross your mind?"

[wizardspy]

Severus shrugged. "There have been other more pressing matters on my mind. Thinking of only myself isn't something I'm accustomed to I fear. A slave to two masters doesn't get to think for himself."

[mudblood_andproud]

"I guess that for me it is difficult to comprehend."

"I have a tough enough time hiding my emotions from those people I want to be close to... that when I have that connection, I express myself frequently."

Hermione shrugged her shoulders slightly with a small smile. "It is important to let those people know how I feel. That they are important to me."

[wizardspy]

Lily had been much the same way, never shying away from speaking her mind or showing her feelings. It was a lesson Severus never learned though he had tried for Lily's sake. If it hadn't been for Potter and Black, his life might have been different, he might be different. He would always be a bit of a bastard, but he might not be so hard.

"Do you find it so easy, then?" he asked, curious. "I find it most difficult."

[mudblood_andproud]

"I find this difficult. Not knowing what to do around you."